On "Losing" Control...

Preface - This is where an honest mama just vents a little bit.  Be prepared to apply a little extra grace, please.

Having Baby Will has been an exercise...no, a marathon...in surrendering, trusting and letting go of control (as if I was ever really in control, anyway...).

1.  My Timing Vs. Will's:  Little Will did not come per my Google calendar appointment.  He showed up about 2 1/2 weeks after his due date.  It was so hard to wait so long!  Looking back, this was my first hint that the Lord was beginning to teach me about giving up control.  (For more info, click here: http://ldeyounge.blogspot.com/2013/04/on-being-overdue.html)

2.  Home Birth to Hospital: Many of you know that we had planned on having a home birth. (For more info, click here: http://ldeyounge.blogspot.com/2013/04/were-planning-hippie-home-birth.html)  Though I labored for about 3/4ths of my 39 hours at home and did well, we obviously ended up at the hospital, due to sheer exhaustion and getting "stuck" at 8 centimeters dilation.

3.  Natural to Drugs:  I had planned on laboring without any sort of drugs or intervention.  32 or so hours in, after three nights of no sleep, and getting stuck at those 8 centimeters, our midwives recommended pitocin and epidurals...  The two things I swore I never would take for so many reasons!  In the end, I ended up hemorrhaging, and needed more drugs...  Let's just say we ended up with a very UN"natural" birth!  So much for my hippie birth plan!

4.  Will's Health:  The biggest wrench in all of our plans was obviously the fact that Will ended up in the NICU with strokes, bleeding on his brain and seizures.  Three big scary things a parent never, ever wants to hear - especially in regard to their newborn.  We still have more questions than answers.  WHY?  How did this happen?  The doctors still shrug their shoulders in response to these questions.  Will's "weaknesses" aren't because of our home birth or any complications, because I did or didn't eat something in my pregnancy, or did anything out of the ordinary.  They are strictly anatomical - his brain just never developed the necessary parts it needed from the very beginning of his tiny life.  I don't think anyone plans to end up in the NICU with their new baby.  So much was out of our control.  We needed - we HAD - to trust the doctors and the Lord.  We just needed to sit, watch and pray.  SO tough.

5.  Fast to Slow Recovery:  For some reason, I had the expectation that our recovery time would be minimal.  After all, my body was meant to give birth and our baby was going to be perfectly healthy and dreamy, so why not jump back into a regular schedule after a few days??  Well, friends, we are almost two weeks in and I still feel like things are messy and exhausting and overwhelming...go figure!

6.  Breastmilk to Formula: In the NICU, Will started on an IV to feed him, then transferred to formula.  Again, I swore I would never feed my baby formula.  Since then, my milk STILL hasn't come in really, so, though I nurse him every time he feeds, we continue to have to "top him off" with formula.  Ugh.  This makes me sick inside for some reason.  I so, so badly wanted to be able to provide just this ONE thing for our baby.  Lord, help me.

7.  Birth Story:  Overall, I told myself that I would be one of those moms that told their birth stories with rejoicing and excitement.  It would be full of victories, happy memories and wonderful things to cherish.  I am hating the fact that I still feel like our honest and authentic birth story and the story of the beginning of Will's life was just plain traumatic.  I hate thinking about it and recounting the details.  Yuck.  I HATE that I hate thinking about it in general...  Shouldn't I love remembering it?  Something seems wrong.

I could go on, but you get the point.  Total loss of all control, all our plans, all our expectations throughout this journey.  Call me naive.  I know.  Many of you long-time mamas are saying, "Get used to it!  This is LIFE with kids!"  I get it.  I knew this was supposed to be generally true.  I'm not trying to complain or host a Caring Bridge pity party.  I am more just trying to be real and raw.  Things are not what I expected, and I have lost more control and "put-together-ness" than I ever imagined.  

I know in my heart that this is not a terrible thing - it is a very good and right and meaningful thing.  It is a life lesson, an opportunity to surrender more to the Lord and experience His provision in the midst of it all.  But at the same time, it's still just hard.  At the same time, I am still grieving the loss of my dreams and plans and perfectly put-together expectations.  It's just taking a little bit longer to get over being sad and frustrated about some of these things.  Is that fair?  I am just struggling a bit - in the midst of the rawness, the newness and the sheer reality of it all.

Though the struggle is real, I am comforted by the fact that God's plans really are the best.  I want His control in my life.  If we would have had OUR plans with a home birth and no hospitals, Will probably wouldn't even be alive today.  Praise God for changing our plans and demolishing our expectations.  

Regardless of the messiness of it all, Will has been more than worth it.  He is the cutest, most handsome, most miraculous, most precious present ever.  No matter what, I wouldn't trade him or the lessons we are learning for the WORLD.

You can bet, though, that in the next few weeks, I will still be praying for grace to get over my own selfishness and lack of surrender.  Lord, help me be flexible.  YOUR plans are the best!!