Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Initiations, Weaknesses & Strengths...

I think yesterday was an initiation of sorts!  We had our first DeYounge family outing...to the doctor in Sioux Falls.  Fun, fun... :)  

I am pleased to announce that we made it.  We made it through two bouts of nursing in the backseat of the Buick, problem-solving through a I'm-crazy-hungry-feed-me-meltdown, a couple of diaper changes on my lap, a record-breakingingly quick run to Target for wipes and being poked and prodded at the doctor's office...  I can't say it was pretty or very put-together, but we DID it.  Phew.  How do you mamas do things like this everyday?  Teach me...

The doctor appointments were fine.  No new news.  Will is gaining weight like a mad man and doing all sorts of "regular" newborn things.  We are praising God for some sense of normalcy in the midst of the chaos.

Call me a jerk, but I still hated the appointments.  I hate talking about things like strokes, seizures, and brain bleeds.  Sometimes, I find myself pretending like none of these things ever happened, so having to deal with these topics at appointments makes it all too real again.

On the ride home, I was thinking about the power of these words - stroke, seizure, bleeding...  Every word has some sort of connotation...a feeling or idea that pops into your mind when you hear the word spoken...  When I hear "stroke", "seizure", "bleeding" - especially in regard to my tiny baby, my heart just sinks.  These are such nasty words that come pre-packaged with such nasty connotations, feelings and emotions.  "Stroke" is full of hopelessness.  "Seizure" comes with fear.  "Bleeding" is a loss of control and weakness.

Yuck.

I'm not saying there's a demon lurking in every corner or trying to overspiritualize this, but I am not okay with the way the enemy can/could use these words to promote despair and anxiety.  I am not okay with how "beat up" I feel when I think about them.  Just because these words - labels, even - have been spoken over our son, they do not need to hold him (or us) in bondage.

It makes me think of the passage in II Corinthians 12...  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

If our weakness really is the Lord's strength, and if our weakness really is the place that the Lord's power can rest on us, then Will's seizures, strokes and bleeding - those labels, those insults - can be delighted in as the Lord uses them to display His glory, to give Will a testimony, and to show His healing power.  These hardships are special and beautiful and strengths in Will.

But why, oh why, do I hear those words and still my heart sinks...?  In my mind, I know these things about the Lord are true, but my heart hasn't quite lined up with all of it yet... He isn't finished with me, evidently.
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