Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Today's Letters No. 5

Dear Hair,
Last week, I was a little frustrated with you and your extreme (and ugly) reaction to the humidity.  I would like to take this opportunity to say, "I'm sorry."  I misunderstood you.  All along, you were just mad I was using cheap-o products on you again.  Evidently, Suave doesn't cut it for you?  I have come to a life-transforming realization, which brings me to a letter to myself today...  

Dear Self,
Be willing to invest in a great hair cut and great hair product.  Hair is worth spending money on.  Hair is not a place to cut corners.  You wear hair EVERY DAY.  Like, more than your favorite jeans or sweater or shoes or even coat and purse.  If you have bad hair, you may as well throw the outfit away, because you still look ugly.  If you have GOOD hair, you can wear a plain gray sweatshirt and be 10 pounds overweight and still look fly (I know this from experience).  Never forget this.

Dear Moroccan Oil,
Why, hello.  It is very, very nice to meet you.  Also, you are hard to spell.  

Dear Will,
Today you said, with a wrinkly nose, "Mama, I smell sump-in."  Then your eyes got wide, "I fink it's chok-it (chocolate)!  Did you eat some-a dat?  I have some?"  You caught me.  I snuck a section of a Hershey's bar in my mouth a minute before - making sure to chew and swallow before I tucked you in for your nap.  And yet you caught the tiniest whiff and called me out.  ...  Once, when your daddy and I were trying to be really healthy and stay away from sugar, he came home from work and kissed me.  It was just a little peck, really, but I could still smell the purple Gatorade he had snuck on the drive home.  Busted.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, welcome to the world of highly sensitive people.  You're in great company.

Dear Charlotte,
I know I am a little biased, but you have the most beautiful, pale, soft and golden hair.  I have never cut it - not once - since you were born.  I am a little nervous for the day it WILL get too long.  You are such a strong lady.  Will you go all Samson on me and lose your strength once we cut it?  The thought has seriously crossed my mind.  I don't THINK you're a Nazarite, but I maybe I missed something...

Dear Papa George + Grammy Pammy,
Thanks for the impromptu visit on Saturday.  Will and Charlie keep asking every day if it's time to go back to Grammy's house and sit in Papa's airplane.

Dear Red,
It dawned on me about a week ago when my mom was trying to decide what color to paint her house...  You are my very least favorite color.  Like, I really hate you.  I just hate red.  I especially hate the way you look in pictures - oversaturated and in-your-face.  Even as I write you this letter, I am envisioning The Day the Crayons Quit book and all the grumbling things you might write back to me in your scratchy penmanship.  Gosh, I love that book.  Do you?  

Dear Friends That Text Me and Never Receive a Response, 
I currently have 97 unread and unanswered texts on my phone.  And, another 15 voicemails.  Just wanted to let you know...  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  #introvertproblems #infj 

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