During that season, we sort of tabled the "baby or not?" discussion and just tried to take some wise steps toward health, freedom and fullness - lots of prayer and wrestling with the Lord, lots of counseling, support from a small group of friends... We also chose to investigate some things from a physical health perspective - wondering what sorts of underlying things had potentially caused some of our past pregnancy and labor complications and what, if anything, was contributing to the continued panic attacks and anxiety. Around Christmas of 2016, we felt like we had considered almost every perspective, and gone to every appointment and doctor's visit - except for one.
The last doctor visit I had been putting off for years was with the midwife who had cared for us during Will's pregnancy and delivery - someone I had thought the world of, but couldn't bring myself to face because it meant reliving and confronting some really hard memories. I dreaded that appointment big time, but somehow (by the Lord's grace) I managed to go and get through it without throwing up. I wish I could say that meeting with our midwife was helpful, but in walking out of her office that evening, I was filled with more questions and uncertainties and fears. Reliving those memories and talking about the prospect (and potential dangers) of being pregnant again was my worst nightmare. Given our past experiences, I was sure I would die in labor and leave my family alone forever, or that our future baby would be very sick. Through I should have driven straight home after the appointment, I was in the middle of warring against a full-fledged panic attack and beside myself, so I decided to drive around town for a while to pray and collect myself a bit.
In my tizzy, I felt like I couldn't pray or process, so I turned on the radio and said to the Lord, "Just pick a good song for me right now, okay?" I should mention here that this was extra out of the ordinary because I rarely listen to the radio and tend to hate our local stations. Yet, as I turned the on the dial, the Christmas song "Mary, Did You Know?" was playing which (even funnier) is a song I really don't like. Before I could change the station, the lyric that played said, "Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new? This child that you deliver will soon deliver you."
That line hit me like a ton of bricks, and I recognized the Lord's voice. Your baby boy has come to make you new. This child that you deliver (aka: not adopt, but have biologically, I took it to mean), will soon deliver you. I'm not saying I thought I'd bear the Messiah :), but the word that came to my mind was "balm" or like a soothing salve you put on wounds or cracked skin to help heal and make it new. I felt like the Lord, in that moment, had told me he would bless us with another biological baby - and that the journey would help heal and soothe our hearts after the past trauma.
Though the Lord's voice was clear, it was still WAY too scary for me to fathom, so I never said anything to Mark and pushed it to the back of my mind.
Just a few days later, I was driving home alone from Sioux Falls and, despite my best efforts, couldn't stop thinking about it all again. "Fine," I told the Lord. "If you really meant what you said a few days ago, then make the song play again."
"There's no WAY that one song, of ALL songs will be playing again, anyway," I thought to myself.
And of course by now, you've guessed that when I turned the radio on again - twice in only about a week (a record for me) - that same damn song was playing immediately.
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you deliver will soon deliver you...
Still, I didn't tell Mark. In my fear and faithlessness, I still needed more from the God.
"I don't think I can emotionally handle being pregnant again unless you promise me I will not die and live to watch Will and Charlotte grow up. I can't leave them alone. I don't want to leave Mark alone. Promise me!" I asked the Lord to have someone else - who had NO idea the journey we were on, to blatantly come and tell me we'd have another baby. I figured (and sort of hoped) I'd be waiting forever and not have to take any steps out in faith in the near future. BUT OF COURSE I got a Facebook message from an old friend just a couple of weeks later.
She had a dream - a dream about me having another baby, surprise, surprise. And, even better, both baby and I were very much alive and healthy.
This time I told Mark. Turns out, he had been praying and fasting for a long time asking the Lord to confirm another pregnancy in my heart. Of course.
I will fast forward through quite a bit now - about eight months later, we were pregnant, with a baby boy, but true to some of my fears, I was very sick again. Through the weeks and few months I spent in bed and on the bathroom floor, the Lord continued to speak the word "deliverance" to us in many ways - he knew we needed the reminders!
Anyway, the rest of the pregnancy was largely uneventful and normal, praise the Lord. On the 29th of May, we had a c-section in Sioux Falls, I did not hemorrhage AT ALL, the bleeding clotted right away and no transfusions! I was fully awake to welcome our baby and did get to enjoy his first moments - something that I had not gotten with our other two kiddos.
Wes Harvey was born healthy, strong, and adorable.
The name Wes means "meadow" or "green pastures." In addition to being Mark's grandpa's name, Harvey means "blazing" and "battle ready." We love the spectrum of these two names, especially in how it's represented in Psalm 23. We continue to pray the Lord will lead Wes in green pastures beside quiet waters and give him seasons of blessing, rest and refreshment in his life. But that in seasons of walking through darkest valleys, his heart would be steadfast and courageous, blazing and ready for battle - not fearing evil, knowing the Lord is with him. Even more, we pray the goodness and steadfast love of the Lord will pursue and follow him all the days of his life.
Now to him who has done immeasurably more than we could have ever asked or imagined, according to His power at work within us, to the glory of Jesus Christ - in this generation (and in Wes's generation) and in every generation to come. Now and forever! Amen!
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