On the very last night of being pregnant...

On the very last night of being pregnant, ever...

1. I am wishing we didn't send our kids to grandma's already in the name of getting a good night's sleep before the big day.  Tonight feels weighty, and it feels wrong not to share it with their wriggling toddler selves, cuddling on the couch and kissing their fat cheeks goodnight.
2. Though the Lord has made promises, spoken so clearly to us, I am still scared for my own life and the baby's.  I am praying it wasn't the last time I brushed Charlie's hair out of her face or talked to Will about baseball.  I am praying our little man gets to come home, to grow in our cozy house, to learn to walk and belly laugh in the living room with us.  I am praying for more faith and rest.
3. I am realizing most of us mamas don't sense as much finality as I am feeling right now.  We happen to know this will be our last pregnancy.  We happen to know our c-section is tomorrow at 11:30 AM.  Many aren't able to count down the very last hours or minutes to the end of an era or the start of something so new.  I am thankful for these moments I get to process and treasure more than most.  The Lord knew I'd need the extra time.
4. I am looking forward to living without heartburn every waking second of the day.
5. I am looking forward to a new me.  One that is a little more steady and hormonally balanced.
6. I am wondering how I will ever lose 70 pounds, especially in loving chocolate so much, and in hating working out so much.
7. I am looking forward to a crunchy diapered butt to pat and rock, praying he will be more on the chill side and less on the colicky side.
8. I am thankful I am due tomorrow instead of August, like Charlotte was.  Summer + pregnancy = the worst.  I only needed two 100 degree days this May to help me remember that.  
9. I am hoping he has dark hair - lots of it - like Will did.
10. I am hoping he is over 9 pounds, especially because then I will win a bet.
11. I am grateful this is our last night of waiting.  My mind is frazzled and very weary from waiting and thinking too much and waiting some more.  Delivery - deliverance - and a healthy baby, please come quickly.  
12. I am already looking forward to his first birthday.  I love first birthdays and the start of toddlerhood.  
13. I am spending these last hours writing, taking a long bath and eating chocolate.  Mark is staying busy in the yard and going on a bike ride - both of us de-stressing in our own ways.  (I am also jealous of Mark, wishing my coping mechanisms involved burning calories instead of ingesting them.)
14. I am mindful of the many graces the Lord has given to us in the last nine months.  Too many to count and far too deep to articulate - at least today.  He has been so, so near to us - so present and full of grace upon grace upon grace.